Midlife Crisis or True Awakening Part 2(a.k.a. Life at 50)

On November 1st I moved out of the apartment that I shared with 5 of my 6 adult children, and into a 2 bedroom house. My plan was to live totally alone, but one of my sons moved with me. Now we are down to December 31, 2019; the last day of the year. In my new home I created my sacred space, complete with: an altar, crystals, candles, books, and pictures of my ancestors. I have also placed a crystal in each room of my house except the laundry room. I have a plant in the kitchen and one in the living room. Both plants belonged to my deceased aunt whom I love dearly. A part of her will live on in my heart, but also in my home.

I walk around the house freely in just my panties, unless my son is home. I placed my vision board on the wall over my office workspace. I so needed this to get myself together. Sometimes I just need to be alone with my thoughts and myself so I can focus on me and what I need to do next. My life is my own to do whatever it is I want to do.

On my altar I have a palo santo stick and a sage/lavender bundle to ward off negative energy and dispel negative vibes. My goal is to live a life of peace, especially in my home.... My Sacred Space. I love the peace and quiet. All of my children are finding their way and doing some things without me. As a mother I will always be there, and I am still there for them but I needed my own space.

I have lived to be half a century old, and before turning 50 I always lived with someone or someone lived with me. I have taken care of everyone else; now it's time to take care of me and live my life. I plan to live life to the fullest and live it the way I want to; in a way that is fulfilling to me. I'm not here to impress people; I'm just here to live my best life. My intent was never to hurt my children, but to help me. Some of them needed a little push to go out into the world and find themselves. I don't want them to wait as long as I did to learn who they are and who they are destined to become.

I am not in the middle of a midlife crisis, but a true awakening to who I am. There are things that I have never done that I intend to do before I leave this lifetime. I'm not going to do anything as radical as motorcycle racing or bungee jumping, but there are things that I want to experience in this body. Self care is the ultimate form of self love. Meditation, yoga, drinking water, healthy eating, vacationing, trips to the spa, communing with nature are all forms of self care. These things have become an intricate part of my life. During meditation I go inside myself and see who I really am. You will never find peace or happiness in sources outside of yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness. Remember, god is introspection and god is love. Go within and find the god in you, and there you will find all of the love you need.

 

 

Peace and Blessings
Happy Kwanzaa

Midlife Crisis or True Awakening?

Last month I crossed the half a century mark. Yes, I turned 50 years old on August 5th. About 3-4 years before my 50th birthday I began to feel unfulfilled and lost. I was seeking for answers in church and the Bible but found no solution to my problem. I started to seek within myself for answers instead.

During this 3-4 year time period I learned a lot about myself. I learned who I am, and who I was born to be. I am now at a point in my life where my focus is to make me happy. Others can be happy in the process, but my focus is now on me. My children are grown, I'm divorced and don't have a husband to cater to. I live life on my terms and do what pleases my soul. I think I look pretty good for my age. I wear what accentuates my body. Some people may feel that some of the things I wear are not appropriate for someone my age but I give no fu@ks.

I recently made the decision to finally live alone, without my children. At the end of this month I will be moving out of the apartment with the now 5 of my 6 children and moving to a 2 bedroom house. I have been looking forward to this for quite some time. It's not so much about getting away from my children as it is about getting away to me. Since I began evolving I don't wear clothes when I'm home, and I don't wear pajamas or a nightgown when I go to bed. I walk around my bedroom in just my panties. I want to walk around my house the same way. I have a vision for this new place of residence. It will be a home of serenity. I'm putting a plant in each room; plants like the spider plant, snake plant, and lavender. There will also be crystals in each room, and a fountain in the living room. I'm looking forward to enjoying the place I call home and pay rent and bills for.

There is so much to live for at 50 and beyond. I'm happy with who I am and who I'm becoming. This new life is about freedom and liberation. It's about finding and being your true, authentic self. I don't care what people think about me and I don't need anyone's approval to do anything. I'm ready to take trips, start more businesses, have awesome sex, and live Unapologetically Ever After. Fifty is the new thirty!

Journey Within

http://www.amazon.com/author/tauheedahmichelle

When I started on the journey to find myself about 4 years ago; I was looking for me. I was on a journey to find out what makes Michelle who she is and what she's becoming. As I have grown on this journey I have learned about my lineage and why I might have gone through some of the things that I experienced.

I learned that on my father's side of the family we share a bloodline to people who are indigenous to this land. A friend of mine has always said that he is indigenous to this country, and his family didn't derive from Africa. My dad has great grandparents who were Cherokee Indians. I agree with my friend that maybe we're not all descendents of Africans or slaves. Some of us are direct descendents of American Indians.

I created a personal alter to manifest the peace and other things I need in my home. I use crystal for healing and different manifestations. There are candles(Chakra), Native Soul Sage and Lavender incense, and a sage bundle. The thing that really topped it off was the photo of my dad's great grandparents that I was able to print from our family page on Facebook. This way I am able to honor my ancestors and their legacy.

I most definitely do not deny my African heritage. I'm sure on either side that somewhere down the line I have ancestors who came from Africa. I proudly wear the titles: queen, goddess, empress. I have learned to channel my inner Egyptian Empress. Khamit (modern day Kemet) is the way of Egypt that means, "Land of black people". I wear the label, "black"; because I am black, I come from the land of black, and black is the beautifulist thing I have ever seen! It's an honor to be black. It's an honor to be indigenous to this land as a black native.

When I began the journey within I was on a spiritual journey to find self. I got a lot more than I bargained for. I learned about my ancestors and why I look the way I do. I am cognizant of the fact that some generational curses could have derived from either side of my family. I am more mindful of how these things play a part in my life and my kid's lives. I understand me better and the choices I make. I overstand that this journey isn't just about me, but being the Black Sheep means I am here to break those generational curses and help create generational wealth.

Love... All In The Family 💜🖤

I am a very family oriented person. A lot of my writings are about family, love, and relationships. As a parent, sometimes you reflect on your life and the life of your offspring. You reflect and evaluate the life you have lived before your children. Last night my children decided to reflect and remind me that I did a lot of things right.

I am a mother of 6, yes I said 6 beautiful children. Each one with their own distinctive gifts and talents. My youngest child/son (he has a twin brother) came home from school for the weekend. Four of my six children were home last night and we were talking and enjoying one another. My son and one of my daughters brought me to tears when they talked about how strong I am. They really poured their hearts out to me. They schooled me on the type of man I deserve and the type of man who deserves me.

My son told me he was tired of seeing me with men who had nothing and added nothing to my life. He said he looked at me and how I catered to my man; cooking, washing his clothes, fixing his plate, picking him up and dropping him off, and allowing him to use my car. My son flat out told me that a man should appreciate a woman like me, "You're ambitious and driven. You have business about yourself, you worked hard to take care of us, and run your businesses". My daughter talked about how she learned work ethic from me because I worked and paid my bills. My children never knew about being put out, not having electricity or running water. My daughter said, "You always had your own then these nothing ass niggas(her words, but I have used them before), come into your life without anything to add. They're just leeching off of you."

My kids remembered the family things we did, like taking family vacations, family night on Fridays, and me working to take care of them and provide for them. My heart was so full of joy and love. My children boasted of how they want what's best for me, like I want the best for them. I cried, we hugged. Last night I saw myself in my children. They learned work ethic from me, and hustling to make your dreams come true. They learned the importance of family because family is important to me.

On January 1st of this year I posted a statement on Facebook about my family. My happiness comes from seeing them happy and pursuing their dreams. My children, grandchildren, parents, and siblings are what matters most to me. My man was also a part of that squad. I felt like all I needed was my family and my man (I use the term loosely) and I could accomplish anything. When you're a family person, a business minded person, and you're driven and ambitious you need a mate who is equally family oriented, business minded, and driven. My children told me they want the best for me because I give my best.

My son said, "I want you to have a man who adds to your life, a man who can help you, not a man who benefits more from you than you do from him." My children have always supported me and I support them. My oldest daughter graduated from cosmetology school (like I did). She's a mother, makeup artist, business owner, and author (like her mother). My oldest twin daughter is a mother of 6 (like her mother), she has her own place and car, and works to provide for her household. My other twin daughter is a manager on her job, has her own place, and handles her business. The baby girl is a CNA, has a couple of cars, and has great work ethic (like her mother). My oldest twin son(they're only 19) works at a fast food joint, has a side gig working on houses, and he has recorded rap songs in the studio. My baby has moved to another state, he's in school, has a job, and is about to buy a car and get his own place (he suggested I move to Kentucky). I am so proud of my children and family is everything to me.

I have made some bad decisions when it comes to my children, but they have proven to me that I've made a lot of good decisions. They showed me that I'm a good mother/grandmother, and a great woman. I choose #FamilyOverEverything.