Journey Within

http://www.amazon.com/author/tauheedahmichelle

When I started on the journey to find myself about 4 years ago; I was looking for me. I was on a journey to find out what makes Michelle who she is and what she's becoming. As I have grown on this journey I have learned about my lineage and why I might have gone through some of the things that I experienced.

I learned that on my father's side of the family we share a bloodline to people who are indigenous to this land. A friend of mine has always said that he is indigenous to this country, and his family didn't derive from Africa. My dad has great grandparents who were Cherokee Indians. I agree with my friend that maybe we're not all descendents of Africans or slaves. Some of us are direct descendents of American Indians.

I created a personal alter to manifest the peace and other things I need in my home. I use crystal for healing and different manifestations. There are candles(Chakra), Native Soul Sage and Lavender incense, and a sage bundle. The thing that really topped it off was the photo of my dad's great grandparents that I was able to print from our family page on Facebook. This way I am able to honor my ancestors and their legacy.

I most definitely do not deny my African heritage. I'm sure on either side that somewhere down the line I have ancestors who came from Africa. I proudly wear the titles: queen, goddess, empress. I have learned to channel my inner Egyptian Empress. Khamit (modern day Kemet) is the way of Egypt that means, "Land of black people". I wear the label, "black"; because I am black, I come from the land of black, and black is the beautifulist thing I have ever seen! It's an honor to be black. It's an honor to be indigenous to this land as a black native.

When I began the journey within I was on a spiritual journey to find self. I got a lot more than I bargained for. I learned about my ancestors and why I look the way I do. I am cognizant of the fact that some generational curses could have derived from either side of my family. I am more mindful of how these things play a part in my life and my kid's lives. I understand me better and the choices I make. I overstand that this journey isn't just about me, but being the Black Sheep means I am here to break those generational curses and help create generational wealth.

Freak Like Me/T-shirt and Panties

www.tauheedahmichelle.michelebarard.com

Last night I watched the episode of "Unsung" featuring Adina Howard. I have been following Adina on Instagram well before the show. I was a fan of Adina's song, "Freak Like Me" back in the 90's. I don't think many of us were ready for such an outspoken upfront woman at the time.

I have come to admire Adina for her outspokenness. She has been saying what women have been feeling for years. She's not just outspoken or upfront, but she lives her truth. Whether you or I agree with it, she lives her truth and stands for what she wants. In my 20's I was just going through life and love blindfolded. I didn't know which direction to go, so I fumbled my way through my 20's and 30's. In my early 40's I divorced the only man I had ever been in love with. I was in love with this man for 30 years, since we were both 14 years old. After the divorce I set out on a journey to find me. I found that I was highly sexual, but I had finally gotten to a place where I really enjoyed sex, and I wanted the things that were pleasurable to me.

Last night on Unsung Adina explained how her sexuality was on her terms. Men thought because she was a freak that she would just get freaky with any and everybody. She stated that she was the prize, not the other way around. In my late 40's I met my twin flame, and with him I learned to let go of all of my insecurities and inhibitions. I felt like I could let go and be myself. That seemed to only work with sex. When I wanted to let go and be my unique goddess self, displaying all that makes me who I am; he couldn't handle that. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. I am who I am.

I love sex, especially when it's combined with sensuality. I want to enjoy the experience and the man I'm with. Like Adina, I can be outspoken and speak what's on my heart. Some males are intimidated by outspokenness and realness. I thought I had finally found the man I could open up to and be myself with. I want what I want, but I am willing to compromise. Isn't that what relationships are all about? I was tired of always being the one to compromise and sacrifice,without getting the same in return.

Adina was very candid and transparent about her life. She said that she's defiant, and she likes being defiant. She also recognized the part she played in the downfall of her singing career. She admitted her faults, and although she never compromised her integrity she knew where she was wrong. She has grown and evolved and still gets what she wants. I have learned so much about myself and what I want. I want a man who can bring out every part of the freak in me. A man who will put in as much effort as I do. I want my man to cater to my body as I cater to his. Sometimes I want to be in charge of the bedroom.

I was so impressed by Adina's growth. When she was singing, "Freak Like Me" and"T-shirt and Panties" she was younger and wilder. She has since married her best friend. They divorced but still live together. She still lives her truth. She stated that she got married for sex. She wanted to try everything sexual with her husband. That's how it should be, you marry your best friend, twin flame, soulmate all in one and you both ascend to the highest heights.

Learning, growing, evolving, ascending are all apart of maturing and transforming into the person you're meant to be. When I was married I wore either pajamas or a nightgown to bed every night. Now I sleep in panties, and sometimes nothing at all. I walk around my room in nothing but panties. I would walk around the house that way if I lived alone. I enjoy sex and the connection; it's not just something to do because everybody's doing it. I want my man to lead, then other times I want to lead. I put hella effort into anything I pursue, whether business or relationship. I am the prize, and I won't say that sex, love, and a relationship has to solely be on my terms but I will be heard and I will get what I want and desire. There is a man who is capable of giving me those things. I want a freak like me, and I want to walk around in his t-shirt and my panties.